Airline Safety

 

   
Seen around the world:
Cannibalism in China!
Zero Tolerance in Newcastle, UK!
 

Teaching English

Could you explain some of these phrases?

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  18. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  22. I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

English Translations

Translation:
Seen On:
Country:
Submitted by:
Household Items      
Happiness to Everyone! Trash Cans Vietnam Daniel Szych
Scrap of Head removed Dandruff Shampoo China Lisa Vitale
Future, Wife, Spacy Motorbike names Vietnam Amanda O'Neil
Restaurants/Menus:      
Corn Flukes Cereal box Varanasi, India Ken Surdin
Semisolid sourish food made from milk fermented by added bacteria (Yogurt) Take out menu Vietnam Amanda O'Neil
We were borned to serve you Menu Vietnam Amanda O'Neil
Road Signs      
Be gentle on my curve Road Sign India Tyler Walton
Death and a $500 fine Tram sign Newcastle, UK (see above)
Funny Facts from around the World
People from Niger are Nigerien. People from Nigeria are Nigerian.

In Vietnam they have a home grown religion called Cao Dai which has apostles. They believe Victor Hugo is one of them.

In Iceland they pay for cold water. It's a geothermal country so they heat their houses with hot water.

In Bolivia and Peru they sell dried aborted llama fetus in the street markets. Apparently they place the dried fetus in the cornerstones of new buildings for good luck and protection.

In Eastern African countries, the Masai people use branches from Acaia (sp?) trees as a defense against Lions, Hyenas, etc. The branches have huge thorns on them and they build circular walls around their huts. They have a gate of these thorned branches that they open during the day and close at night. (Photo by Adam Katz)

McDonald’s has only one restaurant in the world where the golden arches are not so golden but white instead... Paris, France Champs Elysees.

Which Italian town has a leaning tower other then Pisa?Bologna, and it is called the Garisenda tower and it is red.

The Netherlands is also known as Holland, what did Holland originally mean?
Woodland, once Holland was full of forest.

The Ethiopian Orthodox Church believes Jesus was born 8 years earlier than those Catholics, so here in Ethiopia the year is 1997. (Adam Katz)

In Ethiopia their time system is also different than the rest of the world. It's shifted 6 hours from what we're accustomed to. What we call 6am, they call the start of the day and start counting from there. Two in the morning is what we would call 8am. It's much more logical than our system of having 2 o'clock in the morning being in the middle of the night. (Adam Katz)

And finally, they have 13 months in a year. The first twelve months are a nice even 30 days. The final month is only 5 days long. Some businesses pay salaries monthly, and so the employees get 30 days pay for only 5 days work - it's a nice way of having a year-end bonus. (Adam Katz)

Got more? Email us!

Gnome Humor

The Saigon Rugby Team has a mascot "Gnoel the Gnome". He was 'left' at Angkor Wat, Cambodia and never heard from again. "Gnoel II" was kidnapped in Hanoi and taken to Scotland for a wedding. In the course of his summer travels, Gnoel II wrote many a Hotmail home to his owners. These are some of his observations.

Gnoel the Gnome's Top Twenty Tour Songs. -Artists mostly ungnome!

1. Sweet Molly Mygnome.
2. No woman gnome cry.
3. Gnomeward bound.
4. The laughing Gnome.
5. Gnome more heroes.
6. Aint Gnome mountain high enough.
7. Gnoeleen.
8. Show me the way to go Gnome.
9. Gnoming me Gnoming you.
10. Theres Gnome business like show business.
11. Take me Gnome country road.
12. He's a real Gnomewhere man.
13. Gnome more lonely nights.
14. I should have Gnome better.
15. Gnome on the range.
16. Gnomewhere to run to.
17. Aint Gnomebody here but us chickens.
18. Road to Gnomewhere.
19. Gnome and away.
20. Gnome is where the heart is.

Gnoel the Gnomes Top Ten Films.
1. Hear Gnome evil see Gnome evil.
2. Gnome mans land.
3. Dr Gnome.
4. I Gnome what you did last summer.
5. Gnome sex please we're British.
6. Nightmare on elf street.
7. Gnome surrender.
8. Gnome alone.
9. Gnome way out.
10.Hawaii 5 gnome.

Airline Safety

This is an email going around for years. Whether true or not we can't say...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
  • "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
  • "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
  • "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
  • Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
  • And, after landing: "Thank you for flying ________ Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  • As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
  • As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments, because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Immediately stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or an adult acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
  • Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
  • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
  • Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
  • "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
  • "Last one off the plane must clean it."
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
  • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
  • Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
  • An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
  • And, this one actually happened to me on leaving Las Vegas on Southwest Airlines: During climbout, the steward came on the intercom, saying, "OK, everybody, look out the windows to your left..." "Look out at beautiful downtown Las Vegas..." "Now, everybody raise your right hand..." "Everyone move your right hand back and forth, back and forth..." "Wave goodbye to Las Vegas..." "Wave goodbye to all your money..."